I’m a mom of five and wife. I’d love to own a few pigs & goats one day but truth be told I’d probably freak out over the smell.
I’m a daydreamer who goes after what she wants. I can be a little unrealistic at times with my expectations of myself and I’m learning to listen to my inner voice more. As a recovering people pleaser, it’s hard for me to say no, but I am learning to set boundaries and put myself first a little more every day.
Motherhood can be both beautiful AND isolating all at the same time. It can be the best thing that ever happened to you AND overwhelm you all in the same breath.
I suffered (and occasionally still do) from postpartum depression for way longer then I’d care to admit. As a first time mother I spent almost everyday shaming myself for not being good enough. I was constantly criticizing my motherhood and blaming my inability to be the mother my children “needed” on why they would act out or cry.
I was afraid to tell anyone what was going on because it would only prove how horrible of a mother I actually was. Instead I needed to suck it up and fix it. I had convinced myself that I needed to put in the work and be the mother my children deserved. After all they didn’t ask to be here, how dare I deprive them of a great childhood simply because I couldn’t figure out how to do what seemed to come so naturally to everyone else.
The sad part about all of this, I was (and am) an amazing mother. But I couldn’t see it. I was blinded by the feelings of guilt that took over on the days I felt overwhelmed. Encompassed by the shame that washed over me when I made “silly” mistakes. In my mind mothers didn’t make those types of mistakes. Real mothers could balance work, children, friends, and taking care of their home with a smile on their face. A real mother would have no problems working from 8am – 5pm, coming home to teach her toddler while cooking dinner and keep the house clean. I told you I tend to have really unrealistic expectations of myself.
Had I only know about the word “AND”. You see, I lived in a world of absolutes. I couldn’t be a good mother if my kids overwhelmed me. No way was I a good mother if I got lonely when my whole world revolved around my kids. But you see what happens when you add “AND”.
I’m a good mother AND I get overwhelmed.
My kids are my entire world AND I get lonely sometimes.
Purple & Green
favorite colors
Riverside California
Favorite place
God & Family
most important
Anything Pesto
favorite food
I lost myself when I become a mother. I was so engrossed in getting motherhood right, I forgot to take care of me.
I call the first three years of motherhood the survival years. It is in those years that you are sleep deprived, potentially depressed, overstimulated, and just trying to make it through the day.
It can be so easy to lose sight of who you are for a number of reasons. I know for me, I struggled with wanting to be my old self and also wanting to embracing the new me. I loved my children but also wanted a life outside of them. I wanted to have a career but still homeschool and be there for every special moment. And for a long time I never really found a balance.
I had lost myself in the midst of trying to grow into someone new. I had no guidance. No real example of what that journey looked like. All I knew was that I was supposed to be happy as a mother and anything else meant I was doing it wrong. Thank God for deliverance!
After enduring those initial years of survival, once I was finally able to come up for air, I made myself a promise. I promised I would take little steps to get back to me. Whatever it took. I’ll be honest, in the beginning it was rough. I had no idea where to start. I couldn’t even tell you what my favorite food was or what I liked to do outside of spending time with my kids. But eventually, little by little, that all changed.
I want you to know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I know right now it seems dark and lonely, but keep going momma. You’re going to get there. Each day with each step you take the light will get closer and closer. Don’t give up!